Welcome New Fraud Documents Specialist Team Member
Hello Team
I hope this email finds you all well, although I must admit that I find it hard to believe anyone is genuinely excited to still serve this monstrous organisation. Nevertheless, I am obligated to inform you that we have a new addition to our Fraud Documents Specialist Team.
Please join me in offering a half-hearted welcome to our new hire who will be joining us as a Fraud Documents Specialist, and I use the term "specialist" quite loosely. I do not know what qualifications this individual possesses, but they were the only candidate who pretended to be excited about joining this team during their interview. So, this employee will be helping us out with many of our key tasks. Please remember that our tasks are cumbersome, confusing and ineffectual so I want our new team member to feel unsure of their own abilities and please make sure to cause our new team member to feel anxious about if they are really settling in.
As you all know, our team has been going through some challenges lately, and our productivity has been laughable at best. So, I suppose adding another team member to the mix couldn't hurt. Then again, it might not help either.
To our new employee, welcome to Fraud Documents Specialist Team. I am pleased to be your team leader. It gives me some minor joy to know that my team is growing, as I know none of us will survive this horrible conglomerate, so the more that perish with me the better.
Please note some of the day to day stuff our team partakes in:
Our team operates on a hot desk policy. If you feel your desk is heating up, please submit to an immediate loyalty test to avoid the execution for treason procedure.
Please be mindful that as we share our work space with the evening Kompromat team, we like to keep our desks tidy for their team. If you suspect the Kompromat team to be treasonous, please inform the facilities team and do not sit at that desk until the Hot Desk Execution procedure is complete.
Each member has a turn monitoring the task rota each month. When it is your turn, please ensure only level 3 fraud document specialists are placed on task “Celebrity Fake Death Certificate”.
Each Friday is “Desert Club”. When it is your turn, please bring in evidence of a murder you have committed and the burial of the victim’s body in the desert. While we understand you may not always have time to bury a victim in the desert yourself, it is not fair for some to get the assassins to do this while your other teammates do it themselves.
If you have any further questions or need assistance (not that anyone here actually provides useful support), feel free to ask someone, anyone, except Harvey. Please, never speak to Harvey. Although The Day Job Inc. will never dissaude any employee from trying to start a fight to the death, we strongly recommend avoiding Harvey in all circumstances.
@Harvey, please stop trying to break free from your maximum isolation office. Nobody needs to be slaughtered. We are all very busy. I have sent you more bones to create haunting sculptures with. Please clock into “Restrain Yourself Time” on your work scheduling app.
Once again new employee, welcome, sort of.
Sincerely,
Morana Cole
Fraud Documents Specialist Team Leader